50 Ways to Annoy Uther Pendragon
by yaoifangirlHolly
Summary: I've done one for Merlin and Arthur and after someone requested Uther I did one of those too! Enjoy!


**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of the characters.**

**50 Ways to Annoy Uther Pendragon**

Tell him you preferred him as Giles.

Secretly replace his crown with a papier-mâché one.

Ask him if he has a domination fetish.

Ask him how he feels about Merlin and Arthur's relationship. Raise your eyebrows when you say the word "relationship".

For added effect after 4), plant Merlin's neckerchief in Arthur's room, somewhere Uther will find it.

Tell him Gaius has a secret crush on him.

Tell him that Arthur's "hunting trips" are a euphemism for him going off with Merlin/Morgana/Gwen/Lancelot to have sex with them in the woods.

Ask him if he's told Arthur about the birds and the bees yet.

Say "Over there! A sorcerer!" and point wildly in a random direction.

For added effect after 9) say "Your son is in love with his country servant boy and you're worried about sorcerers?"

Hum the Merlin theme tune repeatedly, getting louder and more dramatic.

Make sure he walks in on Morgana changing then jump out and call him a pervert.

Offer him some food. Once he has started eating it and asks you what it is, tell him it's rat. In response to his protests say in a Marks and Spencer's style voice. "This is not just rat. This is well bred, exquisite rat..."

Tell him Morgana wants a raise in her allowance.

Take him aside, and in a low tone, confide that you think all the time Arthur has spent with phallic objects like swords has turned him gay.

Address him enunciating every syllable of his name, like Nimueh does. "Uther Pendragon!"

Make up a song – "Uther is a butthead" and teach it to everyone in the castle.

Show Uther a list of reasons why Arthur is obviously in love with Merlin. Slip it under every door in the castle.

Set the dragon on Uther.

Paint Uther's throne a fetching baby pink.

Tell him he's won an award for "The Most Paranoid Person about Being Attacked in Camelot".

Ask him if he ever gets aroused when Gaius is touching him to redress his wounds.

Ask him if he ever uses the prison shackles "for personal role-play".

Slip some laxatives into his goblet.

If Uther accuses you of 24), say innocently "Oh, that was meant for Arthur, I thought he might have some trouble moving his bowels after what he did with Merlin last night..."

Spread rumours around the castle that Uther enjoys knitting. Make sure it gets back to him.

Every time you have a conversation with him, start talking about how you can't wait for Arthur to be king.

Graffiti a limerick on his bedroom wall – "There once was a man named Uther, lived in a power hungry stupor, executed people all day, drank the night away, that sorcerer-phobic king named Uther.

Tell him Morgana has a poster of him on her bedroom wall.

Ask him if he knows Morgana's cup size.

Start a secret I Hate Uther club, with codenames.

Tell Uther that Merlin and Arthur are two sides of the same coin. Nod smugly and add "The dragon told me so."

Tell him you thought the speech he made to Morgana at her father's grave was corny.

Tell him that it's stupid to banish magic as forbidding things makes people more likely to do them

For added effect after 34), say "Just ask Arthur and Merlin, they know about the draw of forbidden things..."

Tell Uther that Morgana's bad dreams may be the result of a childhood trauma. Say "You wouldn't know anything about that, would you, my lord?"

Ask Uther if he picks out Morgana's nightclothes.

Ask Uther if the real reason that he banished magic was that the words sounded too sexy and were causing pregnancies out of wedlock.

Ask him if he chained up the dragon because he was afraid it would make a better king than he did.

Sport an "I love Merlin/Arthur" t shirt around the kingdom.

If 40) proves popular, set up a stall in Camelot selling "I love Merlin/Arthur" merchandise.

Start up a new group called "For the love of Camelot" which pledges allegiance to the kingdom. Anyone can join, except Uther.

Whenever Uther walks into a room, say " Maybe he's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline."

Tell Uther that the guardian angel watching over Arthur is Merlin.

For added effect after 44), ask Uther if he can see Merlin's wings/halo whenever the two are in the same room together. Repeat, changing each time e.g. "Don't you think Merlin looks positively celestial today?"

Ask Uther if the dragon is his pet and if he feeds it treats and teaches it tricks.

Repeat Uther's lines in a melodramatic tone e.g. "Every man has his price."

Ask him to give you a twirl in his red cape.

Tell him that people think his leather gloves are a bit gay. To annoy him even more, add "Even Arthur wouldn't wear those!"

Tell him he's an idiot for not realising that Nimueh was dangerous – the evil women always seem to wear red.


End file.
